Overdue

As'Salamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

The feeling of being slightly overdue is horrible!
What am i doing wrong thats making my little baby not want to be here right now?
Does he think i'm not a good enough mom?
Is he just stubborn?
Well if he is then I guess I would be able to understand because his mommy and daddy are both sort of stubborn and bull-headed.
These are the times where as though I feel as if my parenting skills are being tested and questioned.
Do I believe I can be a good mommy?
Actually yes I do!
At first honestly I questioned my own abilities on whether I could survive motherhood
and survive on my own due to the temporary situation we have been put in
but then slowly I gradually told myself that life happens
in its own way and there is nothing that god would put you through
that he doesn't believe you would be able to handle!
I tell myself this time and time again but yet still sometimes I get mad or upset that it's me that has to go through so much crap.
Maybe he's not here yet because he knows mommy is already stressed out and he doesn't want to come and add more to that
but I tell him every night its okay if he stresses me out,
make me cry
keep me woke all night
always want me to hold him
because I know he deserves it all and I would give it all up just to have him lying beside me sleeping peacefully!

My love for the new mothers have grown so much over the last few weeks
they waitied their time out and at the end of the day they received their reward!
Guess I'll just have to anxiously wait for my reward to come upon

god I know your listening just please bring him to me safe, healthy and sound.

Mommy

I guess you can say that I have yet to overcome the fact that I am about to be a mommy alhamdulillah! Sometimes I become scared, terrified and feel a bit overwhelmed while there are also those special moments where I just sit and thank Allah for bringing a little bundle of joy into my life. I never knew I could open my heart up to love anyone the way that I love my son. I have not even met him yet but I love him more then life itself and I know for a fact that I will do anything to make sure he has a great life and he is very happy! My heart is forever his and I don't want that any other way. Didn't plan on becoming a mommy so young and so soon but it's almost here and I can not wait for him to arrive. Always thinking who will he look like, what will he act like, will he cry a lot, will I get nervous about raising him, will he be happy that I'm doing my best to provide for him given the hand that we have temporarily been dealt. I think of so many things and most times I never come up with an answer which at times conquers my brain while a few times I don't want to have an answer because with due time I will be finding out. Even though he's so close it still feels like he's so far away from me and I just want him near. Honestly when I first thought of being a mom I was happy and there was nothing that could change that. Then I truly found out that I was carrying another human being inside my body I got scared and wished I could just run away for a while I just kind of told myself that I was not capable of being a mom; I don't have the patience you need in order to raise a baby, I don't have a job, but most importantly I didn't have daddy at the time when I truly needed him. Then as more and more time elapsed and the day for him to arrive grew closer I had a very loving, warm, encouraging conversation with myself and with daddy and we told each other that we have to make it through this and no matter what happens we'll always know that we are doing our best and being the best parents that we could possibly be. I think it was at this moment that I told myself it's now or never and since it was now I just have to be strong and do the best I can and whatever I am not capable of doing at that particular moment I knew that daddy would be able to do it. Karl M. Jarmon II mommy can't wait for you to arrive I'll do the best I can to make sure that you have a wonderful life!

2008 is over 2009 is here!

So 2008 has come and went by and many things have happened some things I wish I could have prevented from happening, some things that I wish I could relive all over again, and some things that make me kind of happy that it's a new year and I get to start off fresh and new with a new beginning and a new love for Allah that I never had in the past. I would probably have to say that the year 2008 was one of the most diverse, crazy, life lesson making, history making, weird, insane years that I have encountered in my whole 19 years of breathing. Umm maybe I could sum up the whole year in just a few sentences.


In the beginning of 2008 I became involved with the most prestigious, loving, caring, sharing man that I have met besides my Grandfather. Although are relationship was put through a few test at the very beginning we stayed and made it work for the sake of the love that we had for one another. With him I finally got a chance to fall in love and not be scared of someone falling back for me. He showed me what it was like to be treated like a WOMAN to not always have someone judge you based on what they hear about you, what you look like, what you wear, the way you talk, the way you walk, the mistakes you make, the foolish chances you take but just to love you for YOU and see that you are a good person and who loves you regardless of the odds against ya'll. That's what he gave me he gave me true love from the very beginning that unconditionally love that I never experienced in my life.


The middle of 2008 was the absolute best time of my life. Being able to spend everyday with the one person that you truly love. Waking up to him, going to sleep with him, laughing with him, crying with him, eating with him, being silly with him, being sexual with him, being everything for each other. He gave me a new outlook on life and it was with him is where I fully enjoyed the pleasure's of living. Being with him was the only thing that I wanted with my life; just being able to be around him was a gift in itself but knowing that he wanted to be around me because he truly loved me felt even better.


The ending of 2008 became a bit rocky for us a couple. We found out we were pregnant the second to last week in August but the the first week in September he was arrested for something that he did not do. Each day I stressed more then the last and although I knew it was not good for the new baby that was growing inside of me it seemed like I could not control it. I was not used to being away from him and not being able to see him everyday. This was the very first time in my whole life of being in a relationship with someone where I felt like I could not live without him. They say that true love is always tested and at this point I knew that someone was testing our love but the part that confused me was why? We never harmed anyone or got in anyone's attempt of happiness so why was someone punishing us this way? I turned 19 and I guess I kind of matured a bit not just because of the number of my age but because I knew sooner then later I was going to be a mom and I knew that I was soon to be a wife! 2008 came and went and now here it is the very first day of 2009.


2009 most times I make unrealistic resolutions and never follow through on them but this year my new years resolutions are simple things that I know I can accomplish.

I plan to get more in touch with Allah and the path that he has set forth for me to follow.

I plan to pray my 5 onligatory prayers every single day.

I plan on becoming a better wife for my babe.

I plan on being a wonderful mother and gaining more patience to deal with my soon to be new born son.

I am determined to make 2009 a non regretful year and take the bad with the good and just follow the path that Allah has for me!

Emptiness!

Maybe I'm not used to this feeling of such emptiness and such loneliness! Maybe it's just me that feel the way that I do. Is it weird that each time I walk into the room that we once shared together I feel empty, alone, miserable and unhappy? Or better yet it could be weird that when I'm in the kitchen my heart sinks because that was our sanctuary! I walk down the steps and a tear roll down my face because I know that was the very spot we took our first romantic drink at. I come across the dining room and I look at the middle chair and feel unhappy simply due to the fact of the memory it brings back. Walking past my sister's room remembering that we used to hurry and try to get there to feel the air conditioner when the summer heat has gotten the best of the both of us. I come to my grandfather's room and I no longer feel like I can be in this home, like I want to give up. Then I end up back in our room reading the things you write me and I remember that Allah will make everything better in the end and I somehow feel at ease. Bad thoughts sometime are the only thoughts I have to keep progressing. Inshallah you will be back home very soon and the hardships that we have been facing will be a life lesson that helped us grow as Abdullah and as Dominique but that also helped us grow as ONE!

Each night before I close me eyes I think of you and I pray that this all will be over with and we can go back to doing the things we love to do together. I feel like I'm in desperate need for a touch of your hand, a kiss from your lips, a soothing word from your mouth, a warm embrace from your arms, a loving look from your eyes and a well known and well held spot in your soft, gentle, loving, caring heart. Right now all I have are memories and the things that we get to say and do to one another when we see each other once or maybe twice a week not that I'm dissatisfied but I just truly would like things to go back to the way that they were. When you would ring the bell at 7 in the morning or sometimes 12 at night. I miss when we would sit up and talk all day and get to know one another. I miss how we would share secrets with one another; most things that we have never told anyone else in the whole world. I miss the times when we would get mad at one another over nothing and be back to being best friends within the next five minutes. I miss when we would fall asleep laying in one another's arms. I miss when we made our own life lessons. I just basically miss us and what we were but nothing compares to just how much I miss you!

My love for you will never die indeed my love for you will forever remain true. My heart you conquered the minute I looked deep into your eyes. My love you taken away from me with just that very first smile. I'm forever yours here on earth and in the hereafter. Forever I will always remain true to you and your needs just as though they were my own or as if they were our child's need. I love you deeply babe and that will never change; drift away; or decrease.